Self Doubt Walks In Lots Of Shoes
COUNSELLING
Written by Rachel Mehaffey
Self Doubt Is Real - Even when you can't see it
Ever noticed when you heal over, the scar formed is stronger than the surface before?
Well, that's how it is for me and i'm thankful for the scars.
Roll the eyes, give a tutt and dismiss this now if you will OR read on a learn a little more of what is under the covers. Cause everyone is more than meets the eye.
I have never understood the word 'beautiful' when offered to me as a 'gift'. It has been bestowed on my like a something i should be thankful for cause it makes me 'lucky' and somehow makes my life easier than it is for others.
I think when we perceive someone has something better or easier or is something we want, we covet it and assume the person holding the hand we desire is thinking the same. Someone how knows they have it good and should therefore walk around with a constant air of being grateful. But what if what you want is not what they desire? What if what you see as a gift is a source of pain and discomfort yet? Do you then see them as spoilt and ungrateful cause you'd give 'anything' to have what they do?
For me I have found a lot of negative more than positive comes from having a face that is deemed pretty in society. It's lost me a lot of friends to envy, a lot of partners to jealousy and almost all of what I have achieved has been ignored and cast aside as something just 'given' to me thanks to the face. None of the hard work, the grit, the sacrifices are seen.
In my early career some of the phrases spoken to me were downright insulting. Coffee room conversations were like locker room - talk as if beauty was a golden ticket I held and there was no need for me work hard because everything was clearly 'handed' to me.
Some of them really stuck and not in a good way.
When I was 22 the company I worked for in London was competitive and successful. There were multiple recruitment divisions and mine was fast growing. I joined with zero experience and found I was good at relating to social workers and helping them find the right jobs. So with the ability to connect I won the highest growth award 2 quarter running. This meant the figure I billed for the business by placing people in work was not only the highest in the company but also the highest % above my previous quarter. big growth and I was the first EVER in the company to do it. At the annual awards evening I was 'praised' by one of my male colleague from the engineering division with ...
'I guess you're more than just a dumb blonde after all'
My continued success at the company over 5 years was something I worked for and mostly due to the sector I was working in. I was passionate about helping people. Working in the field of social work recruitment in the UK met a huge need. I worked with some of the most vulnerable boroughs in the UK and offered help in the form of some incredible humans! People whos studied for years to be able to connect with youth, disadvantaged children and some pretty horrible stuff. This was rewarding and it drove me not to make money (that was a nice by product) but to help. So when placing the highest temp numbers across the company overall my success was reasoned as such
'well of course she has the highest numbers, look at her, her temps must all be males'
I left the UK and tried my hand working in a new sector of Banking and Finance (fast learning this was NOT for me). I was one of the project recruitment specialist who was able to get senior client meetings with the big names. I used strategy and points of connection to get in front of clients and made sure I was learning about their business pain to offer a solution. Later on I heard on the grapevine.
'well of course she does, what CEO wouldn't want to see her in a skirt'
The biggest hit I remember in my recent years was buying my own free standing house in the heart of sydney. I funded my first apartment at 26, managed to hold onto it through some tough times later as a single mum and managed to sell it and buy a house at 37. When closing the sale the real estate agent 'partner' came to shake my hand. She was startled and asked 'who is buying the property'? When I responded she went on to ask how old I was and told me I must have been lucky. Later I heard her saying to her colleague
' she must have gotten money in the divorce'.
See, everything I have I have worked for. No hand outs. No leg ups, just me. I have grafted, sacrificed, always had a plan and no matter what have known whatever I wanted in life was down to me. So I've shown up and put in the hours and in some ways the fact I have a pretty face has added just another set of rungs to my ladder I've had to climb.
By dismissing someone's input, their opinions or their achievements based on a societal perception you create a place where someone is no longer seen.
See the irony there...
I suffered a lot of self esteem issues, self sabotage and doubt because everything I achieved was always washed away. Wiped out with an assumption I have not done anything other than look pretty to deserve it. I truly started to doubt if anything I had in life was fair. How is that! I asked if what I had worked for was ok to have, of myself!
It doesn't matter what it is, if something is constantly pulling you down or making you question your ability it has an impact on your self worth. It makes you feel unstable and you are living ina. constantly state of doubting yourself. When you doubt you don't feel in control and when others are constantly telling you, you are lucky, should be grateful, should be thankful, have it easy - well you start to think, maybe I don't deserve any of it.
What am I trying to say?
The perception you have of someone could be so far off the mark your verbalisation of that belief is hurtful to them. More than hurtful it is destructive.
So I use a few GEMS and encourage my girl (and others) to do the same:
1. Ask - don't assume
2. Be the match that stops the gossip flame
3. Remind yourself, everyone is struggling with something - Don't be a d*c*
Pretty simple really.
My girl is finding the path being paved for her is the same ... People telling her how lucky she is, how she has it easy and that she doesn't have a right to feel self conscious or down about herself (as a TEENAGER) because she has a pretty face! We were chatting about it, we do that a lot and the other day, she told me: Anytime someone says she is just a 'pretty face' she turns around to the person who speaking and says (WORD FOR WORD)
I'll thank my mum and dad for that, now - what do you like about ME?
Love her
P. S I tried some modelling because everyone was telling me i was WASTING what I had, I SHOULD be grateful and try. So I did, and my ANXIETY was so high I couldn't even stand behind a camera or relax into a shoot. This is one of my few shots in a very short lived career.
Modelling WAS NOT for me - Coaching & Healing are.
Just do you. Everything else doesn't matter.
Keep It Simple - Sugar
Rach xx
Before you dive in ... Hey, I'm Rach!
I'm your in home life coach, a nerd when it comes to the body & mind. My vibe is teaching you how to thrive.
An Adelaide born life coach, podcaster, educator & dog obsessed animal lover. My purpose is giving you the tools to Level Up your life. I'm so happy you are here.
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