Age and Womanhood: More Than Just a Number

COUNSELLING

Written by Rachel Mehaffey

grayscale photo of woman on seashore
grayscale photo of woman on seashore

Age and Womanhood: More Than Just a Number

As a young soul at heart and a kid always in spirit, I've often found myself making the statement, "Age is just a number." While this rings true in many aspects of life, particularly when it comes to enjoying the present moment, there are fundamental realities where age is not just a number, especially for women.

The Concept of Age: A Double Standard

It's easy to embrace the idea that "age is just a number," and for men, this can often be the case. In my dating life and considering my age and current situation, the concept of age as just a number is applicable. However, this isn't the same for most women.

While men might easily overlook age and accept it as a mere digit, women face unavoidable biological realities tied to their age. It is not as simple as 'play the field' then wait and see. There are some pressing realities women have to factor in and the time for youthful dating has a real purpose for us.

Ok so I am making my declaration here and it stands true. I am not a man hater nor do I write this post to bash the opposite sex but i do want to share some really harsh realities women face. Perhaps in understanding the facts behind biology it could lend itself to some understanding. I won't preach what I don't know so I'll share my personal physiological journey as the benchmark for truth.

I was 11 years old when my body turned from a child to a 'woman' who had the ability to bare a child! How huge is that. Walk in those shoes at the age of 11. It is not just the onset of menses it is ALL the hormones going alone with that and the fact a child can have a baby herself. That is HUGE.

Typically the onset of menstruation (menarche) is between the ages of 10-15 years with the average age being around 12-13.

Menarche marks the beginning of reproductive capability. It is the first menstrual period, signaling that the body is now capable of ovulation and pregnancy. Hormonally the hypothalamus releases gonadotropin-releasing hormone (GnRH), which stimulates the pituitary gland to produce follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) and luteinizing hormone (LH). These hormones prompt the ovaries to produce estrogen and progesterone, leading to the development of secondary sexual characteristics and the menstrual cycle.

So there it is, at the age of 11 my body suddenly shifted from child to ‘ability to be mother of child’, at it is the same for ALL women.

At 27 my egg count started to decline.

Yep, I started the decline in my absolute prime! There is a reality of peak fertility women have to consider. I don't mean when our skin is tightest and our bodies are fit I mean, when we can create a healthy and thriving child while we are able to go through the trauma (yes trauma) of baring a child.

Peak fertility generally starts in the teens and lasts to late 20s. Read that again. The PEAK years for a woman to have a child, meaning never putting herself first ever again and raising a baby is when she is literally a child herself. It is not about 'sewing seeds' for a girl, in fact it is adding chemicals to the already hopping pod of hormones to the mix with contraceptives to prevent pregnancy NO MALE of the same age would be ready to step up and raise with her. So in our peak years we are trying to prevent pregnancy and in collaboration with this our eggs are on the decline.

Women are born with a finite number of eggs (oocytes), approximately 1-2 million at birth. By puberty, about 300,000-400,000 remain. Throughout the reproductive years, these eggs decrease in number and quality The menstrual cycle is regular and every month we release an egg in the anticipation of making a baby.

There is such a disconnect. At the prime of our bodies where we can create the healthiest babies while maintaining our own well being we are preventing pregnancy and YES sadly it is the woman's responsibility and so many men don't believe it is their problem. So we are preventing it when we are healthiest to utilise it and while we do so our bodies don't stand still, they start to decline in fertility.

I was pregnant at 29 and had my girl at 30. I was a single mum by 32 and if at 35 I had found someone who I loved to have another baby with (LOOOOONNNNGGGG SHOT), it would have been labelled geriatric for me to try for another child.

The decline in fertility starts gradually in the late 20s and more significantly after age 35. The decline is due to a decrease in the number and quality of eggs, changes in hormonal levels, and the potential for increased reproductive health issues. Statistically by age 40, the chances of conceiving naturally within a year drop to about 5-10%.

A Geriatric Pregnancy! That is talking about a woman aged 35 and older. That is the time life is often referred to as 'prime' for men. Job is sorted, confidence is optimal, looks are in their best yet, why would they not want to be playing the field! I mean if I was a man I probably would too but for women we are LOSING our ABILITY to have a baby steadily by the year.

It's called geriatric because of higher risks of complications such as gestational diabetes, hypertension, preterm birth, and chromosomal abnormalities like Down Syndrome. Now yes there are assisted reproductive technologies (ART), such as in vitro fertilization (IVF), have increased the likelihood of successful pregnancies in older women but that in itself is traumatic to go through and a HUGE decision if a woman is going to 'go it alone'.

At 40 my ovaries began packing up and heading into perimenopause!

Yep this means back to pubescent breakouts and mood swings with none of the tight skin or youth. Perimenopause usually begins in the mid-40s, but can start as early as the late 30's. It lasts about 4-8 years all the way working its way up to the crescendo of menopause.

The period we got at 11 starts to become erratic and unpredictable again coupled with hot flashes, night sweats, mood changes, and sleep disturbances (as a few examples). Fluctuations in oestrogen and progesterone levels create a general decline in ovarian function. Energy levels are hit and miss, up and down and fatigue is a real plight daily. Labido starts to dip and emotions are a real wave.

So in our 40's it is generally considered unhealthy, risky and not advised to become pregnant. When men tend to be 'ready' to settle down, we are unable to settle with them if there is any desire to have kids. I say this with genuine hurt for my fellow woman who is wanting a child and in this boat. I say it with compassion for my fellow aged woman, not in jealousy when I say - no wonder when they are ready to settle in their 40's men finder a younger woman.

So you have to be in your late 20's to early 30's wanting to date a man in his 40's if you want a chance of a healthy pregnancy these days! Does not seem like a fair deal to me!

But the next step comes in quickly and while it is not something I have dealt with yet, it is inevitable and something I have witness in my Mum, see in my friends and know is a plight of every woman in the world. Menopause.

Menopause typically occurs between 45-55 years, with the average age being around 51. Defined as the absence of menstrual periods for 12 consecutive months and marked by a significant decrease in oestrogen and progesterone production as the ovaries cease to function. So the hormones regulating our emotions are all over the shop and starting to literally dissolve. Hot flashes, vaginal dryness, mood swings, weight gain, and decreased bone density are just a few of the wonderful realities of this stage in life and aren't I looking forward to it (NOT) all the time knowing after this will come postmenopause where I will be facing increased risk for certain health conditions, such as osteoporosis and cardiovascular disease, increases due to lower oestrogen levels.

Personal Struggles and Desires

I wanted another child. I was blessed and lucky to have Poppy even being a single Mum I would not have changed a thing but, I always wanted 2. Reality was the dating world just described and I didn't find anyone I wanted to share this precious journey with before my biological clock ran out. I am one of the lucky ones because I have my girl so I haven't lost this part of myself, but for many women, the struggle is profound and real.

The Harsh Judgments

You mights say it would be easy for a woman to find a man. not all men are falling into the prime category but, having been single for 12 years I can tell you IT IS NOT. I dated one man who I had in fact known for years, was a great guy and MY AGE! Like wow. But, when sipping a wine on my balcony one night I commented on how the double glazing was heavy and I needed help removing the panel to which he commented 'double glazing, wow does that feel really grow up'.

I paused. Then I responded candidly ' no, i think it felt grow up when i had a kid'. Let's note my house (he didn't own one) and maturity mismatch!

A more cutting example from a more recent match with a man who was 7 years my younger. He was a good guy but that didn't last because he wanted kids. I could not give them to him so, I wasn't willing to invest and it ended. He shared with me some 'locker room' chat shared by men and it reconfirmed for me in the dating world judgments can be severe. He told me that men refer to women like me—single mothers—as someone with a SOCK. This stands for "Some-Other-Cee-You-Next-Tuesday's-Kid," implying that I am undesirable because I have someone else's child.

Harsh, isn't it?

In our prime we are too young then we are preventing pregnancy with chemicals that screw up our bodies. If we miss the window finding love we lose the chance to have a child and all of this by the age of 35. Men have not limit of child baring years nor the heavy responsibility of being able to have a child.

Fun fact though. While a miscarriage is usually associated with the woman's inability to bare the child, to carry it to term healthily - majority of miscarriages are due to the health and incompatibility of the male sperm NOT THE egg or the woman. So we are ageing and losing our eggs and men are waiting to be 'ready' all the while compromising the health of their sperm and the ultimately the viability of pregnancy.

Age, particularly for women, is more than just a number. It's a significant factor that influences our life choices, opportunities, and societal perceptions. Perhaps if we look at it from the point of view of Wendy, Peter Pan may have hung up his slippers sooner.

For a deeper dive into this topic, tune in to my latest episode on The Soul Stash Podcast. It’s far more juicy and insightful.

Rach xx

I'm Rachel Mehaffey

Hey, I'm a Single Mumma raising her little lady while running her own business & teaching others it's never too late to start again.

I love working at home in my trackies with my 2 pups snuggled in my lap. My mission, to help others back themselves to live the life they want with no doubts every darn day!

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