Imposter Syndrome In Your Relationships
MINDSET
Written by Rachel Mehaffey
The Imposter in My Relationships
Have you ever felt like you were playing a part in your own life. Like you are showing up as someone different, wearing so many hats just to fit into any given situation of your life?
That’s was literally my reality. A hat for work, a hat for home and one for embarking on relationships! Exhausting, confusing and so easy to just feel lost. I’m sharing my story because I know I'm not alone in this. Imposter syndrome—the internal experience of believing that you are not as competent as others perceive you to be—can be particularly perplexing when it seeps into your relationships.
It started subtly. In conversations, I’d nod along, smile, and pretend to agree, all the while a nagging voice in my head whispered, “You don’t belong here.” This wasn’t just in meetings or at social gatherings; it followed me into my most intimate relationships. I’d decide it was time to meet someone new. Go through the steps of connecting with people only to find myself being a chameleon. Liking what they liked, pretending to be interested in what they were passionate about. In my time dating I have - learnt to play guitar, learned how to surf (and got a custom made board), mastered pull ups with my home gym, bought a fixie bike (whatever that was at the time I had no idea), taken up running loooong distances .... The list goes on. I was trying to be 'accepted' by someone by trying to be like them because that was a safety net. If i was the same as them they would have to like me, right?
Wrong. It tends to be the things we don't like about ourselves we find as a fault in others. Geez, talk about a complete loss of identity when emotionally vulnerable.
What I have come to realise is I am not alone in this! Imposter syndrome is widely recognised, though not often discussed in the context of personal relationships. We hear it all the time talking about work but we don't seem to realise it is showing up in every aspect of our lives, not just the professional.
Today, I want to delve into what it is, why so many of us feel this way, and most importantly, how we can start to mend the unwarranted rifts it creates in our self-image and our connections with others.
Understanding Imposter Syndrome
For the longest time, I thought I was alone in my feelings of inadequacy, especially when it came to my personal relationships. I constantly lost touch in friendships, found it hard to let my guard down with love and would always be in 'performance' mode when I was around people. Even my nearest and dearest. I was wanting to make everyone around me feel good, like me, think 'hey she's great' even if at the time I was anything but. I never felt i could open and be myself. To be honest I still struggle. Whenever I made a new connection in the back of my head I would be waiting for something to 'go wrong' for them to realise I was not a great as they thought.
The truth is, imposter syndrome isn’t about a lack of competence but an inability to internalise achievements & self worth. It roots in many causes, including perfectionism and high family expectations, which were certainly true for me. Growing up, I was often praised not just for my successes but expected to always be the best, whether it was in academics, sport or 'the good kid'. This set an internal benchmark in my mind: to always outperform, not just to meet expectations but to exceed them massively, lest I be unmasked for the 'mediocrity' I feared was my truth.
The Scope of the Problem
Going back to my grass roots of coaching I started to dig under the covers and in doing so realised that up to 70% of people experience these feelings at some point in their lives. This was a game-changer for me. It helped me understand that I wasn’t broken, just caught in a common psychological trap. Imposter syndrome doesn't discriminate by professional success or personal stability; it can affect anyone. Whether it's a catwalk model or the guy next door, the internal narrative is shockingly similar— a perpetual fear that their 'fraud' will be uncovered.
Psychological Effects
The impact on mental health can be devastating. Anxiety, low self-esteem, and depression are companions of the imposter phenomenon. In relationships, these feelings of inadequacy can lead to unnecessary conflicts, distance, or the refusal to engage in deeper, meaningful connections for fear of being exposed as less than perfect. Basically It was all happened for me - I wanted connection but I could never truly let anyone past the curated surface of who I was, pushing them away and inevitably ending up on my own - again. Self fulfilling prophecy much!
For me, it meant always being on edge, over preparing for the simplest things, and withdrawing emotionally at any sign of conflict. Absolutely conflict avoidance was my safe space because if i didn't disagree with anyone they surely had to like me, right?
Overcoming Imposter Syndrome
Conquering this mindset has been neither quick nor easy, but several strategies have made a significant difference. Cognitive behavioral techniques helped me reframe my thoughts and challenge the validity of my imposter beliefs. Engaging in open conversations with mentors and peers about these feelings also brought a sense of relief and normalcy & creating my own course in a way my brain needed to process the inadequacies.
Ultimately it is about digging in and looking at who you really are. Not who you think you are or want to be but what makes you tick. Uncovering where you are questioning yourself is the next step and that is naming and shaming your saboteur. Mine is called Susan - we don't get along.
There needed to be a process for me to follow so I didn't get off track. A logical set of steps I could use to start at the most vulnerable pasts of myself and work my way up to the surface. Doing that alone was not something I could see myself doing.
The Mindset reset is what I created by doing the steps myself. I was sick of being powerless and self loathing and it had to stop. So i put on my coaching shoes, went to work on myself and created the template for anyone else who feels they can relate to a single thing I am sharing.
Sharing these vulnerabilities hasn’t been easy, but it's been incredibly liberating. I’ve learned that the shadows of doubt only grow when kept in the dark. By shedding light on them, talking about them, and accepting that they are part of me but not defining me, I've begun to mend the rifts they created in my relationships. I found my sharing the inner conflict actually allowed so many other people I was connecting with to do the same.
If you find yourself nodding along, remember: you are not alone, and you are not a fraud. We are all walking through these shadows together, trying to find our way. It’s okay to reach out, speak up, and seek help. Every step you take is a step toward the light, toward the authentic you that deserves to be seen, imperfections and all.
Keep it Simple - Sugar
Rach xx
Hey, I'm Rach. I'm a Life Coach, Podcaster, Digital Course Creator, Writer, Educator, Single Mum & Science Nerd.
I started coaching for interest sake then left my 20 year Big Corporate Gig to make it my life's work. Now I'm helping people all over the globe with mindset & teaching how to access the life you want.
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