Recognising Self-Sabotage & How To Stop It
MINDSET
Written by Rachel Mehaffey
Recognising & Overcoming Self-Sabotage
Self-sabotage is a title banded around but little is its common occurrence in most people's lives even understood. Self sabotage is simply self limitation & negative self talk creating a barrier that not only prevents us from reaching our true potential but more importantly it stops us from believing in ourselves and can cripple our daily lives with anxiety. Showing up through behaviors and thought patterns that undermine our efforts, keeping us stuck in unproductive cycles this self perpetuating negative cycle is nothing more than us being our own worst enemies and I want to delve into the concept of self-sabotage, explore its common patterns, and provide strategies to overcome it.
Understanding Self-Sabotage
Self-sabotage is not some complex therum developed from complex trauma it is something majority of us are experiencing. You head titles like 'imposter syndrome' in the workplace but this is simply another frame of reference to self sabotage referring to actions or thought patterns that hinder our progress and make us question our abilities, our intelligence and our worthiness of success. These behaviors are deeply rooted in fear, low self-esteem, or a lack of self-worth. Sometimes there is no real catalyst or reason for the patterns building momentum and making us lose faith in self but there are patterns we can observe to bring it into the light and start the healing process.
Patterns of Self-Sabotage
Procrastination
Procrastination is the act of delaying or postponing tasks, often to the detriment of our goals but even showing up as simply as getting out of bed! It can stem from various sources, including fear of failure, perfectionism, or simply a lack of motivation. When we procrastinate, we create a cycle of stress and guilt that makes it even harder to get started. Like the phrase ' a rolling stone gathers no moss', procrastination is the prevention of movement and without movement we gather moss, stagnating and making it harder and harder to being. As a life coach the best way I have found to combat procrastination at the most basic level is by breaking tasks into smaller, manageable steps, setting specific deadlines for achievement and making sure there is an action based reward at the end! Techniques like the Pomodoro method, which involves working in focused intervals with breaks in between is a great way to boost productivity and focus.
Negative Self-Talk
Negative self-talk is critical or discouraging thoughts about ourselves. It is the coined term 'own worst enemy' and literally the devil on our shoulder winning the course. This inner dialogue erodes self-confidence and prevents us from being able to take action usually through fear of failure or judgement. While internalised and thus externally quiet this dialogue can be debilitating and deafening. A constant questioning of worthiness, value and deep-seated beliefs about our abilities and worth. Practicing self-compassion and kindness sounds so simple but in reality we are often cruelest to self and kindest to others. The simple act of just being neutral if you cannot be nice to yourself can counteract negative self-talk. Instead of convincing yourself of everything you are not, stand on the line of just being. Taking it a step further challenging these thoughts and replacing them with positive affirmations gradually starts to build a more supportive inner dialogue. Think of what you would tell your most loved ones in moments of vulnerability and offer yourself the same kindness. Surround yourself with positive influences and seek feedback from trusted people creates the environment for a healthier mindset.
Perfectionism
Perfectionism is the need to perform tasks flawlessly. The idea there is a perfect way to live in action and in existence. The notion there is perfection in anything is misleading. At best we are perfectly imperfect and by the simple fact life and by virtue of it everything in it is always moving and changing, there can be no such thing as perfect. If we focus on defining action by how perfectly it is performed all we are doing is creating excessive stress and anxiety creating unattainable standards and a debilitating fear of making mistakes. Perfectionists spend an inordinate amount of time on tasks, seeking to perfect every detail often becoming associated with OCD and ending in burnout. Setting realistic and achievable goals is key to overcoming perfectionism. Breaking down the ideals of what 'perfect' should look like. Embracing the idea that mistakes are opportunities for learning and the standard you set for yourself needs to be based in reality. Focusing on progress rather than perfection helps to shift the mindset towards growth and improvement rather than rounded edges and perfect corners in a world where we are fluid and always in motion.
Overthinking
Overthinking is the killer of all things good. This is something I see in my daughter everyday where the simplest and most beautiful achievement can be outweighed and darkened by overthinking what could have been done better or differently. Excessively ruminating on problems or decisions leads to paralysis by analysis. Just as it sounds paralysis prevents us from taking decisive action and moving forward keeping us stick in the moment and playing the problems on repeat. Overthinkers get caught up in a loop of what-ifs and worst-case scenarios. It is mentally exhausting to constantly live in the future of 'what if', lamenting, fearing and anxiously avoiding things that have not even and are unlikely to happen. The best way I have found to work on overthinking with my girl is to look at the catastrophization technique. We sit in the moment of what she is trying to achieve then we fast forward to the worst possible outcome that could happen. Once we find it we jump back to where we are now, look at the realities of our position and then logically and literally note how likely the worst case is to happen. This allows perspective and diminishes anxiety with logic. Focusing on what can be controlled and letting go of can't is so crucial. Practicing mindfulness and relaxation techniques can calm the mind, create space for clearer thinking and ground us in the reality of the moment, not the future where the unknown exists.
Seeking External Validation
Relying on external validation means we are anchored to what is outside of ourselves and relinquishing control of who and what we are. Seeking approval and recognition from others rather than trusting our own judgment puts us at the mercy of everything we cannot control. There is no better way to break down our own self-confidence by creating a dependency on others' opinions. When we constantly look to others for validation, we lose sight of what matters to us! Of who we are and of our own values and beliefs. Building self-awareness and self-acceptance is fundamental to overcoming this pattern. Setting personal standards and goals based on your values reinforces your own self-worth. Celebrating your achievements, regardless of external recognition (or in spite of), helps to internalize your sense of accomplishment and trust your own judgement.
It is so easy to lose sight of our own self talk but when we look at the patterns and manifestations of self sabotage I am sure all of us have an element of it in our own lives. We are all hard on ourselves and it can be debilitating. I created the Mindset: Reset the Narratives course specifically to tackle the deep seeded negative self talk in all of us. With defined practices and workshops to help unpack and unwind the threads in our self beliefs. To get you started here is a quick self assessment I use to check my mindset and self love.
Exercise: Self-Assessment
Reflect on your behaviors and thought patterns asking:
Do you often delay tasks or avoid taking action?
Do you engage in negative self-talk or doubt your abilities?
Do you set unrealistic standards for yourself?
Do you hesitate to make decisions or take steps towards your goals?
Do you seek approval from others rather than trusting your own judgment?
Identify specific instances where these behaviors have held you back. Write down the behavior or thought pattern, the situation or goal it affected, and the impact it had on your progress or well-being. This reflection will help you recognise the patterns and triggers of your unique self-sabotage, providing a clearer picture of what needs to change.
As with anything in life the first step to healing and change comes first in the recognition of something gone awry. By identifying and addressing your self limiting patterns, you can break the cycles that hold you back and move towards a more self compassionate existence. We are all our own worst enemies so naturally it is up to us to nurture the strongest advocate as well.
Keep it Simple - Sugar xx
Rach
I'm Rachel Mehaffey
Hey, I'm a Single Mumma raising her little lady while running her own business & teaching others it's never too late to start again.
I love working at home in my trackies with my 2 pups snuggled in my lap. My mission, to help others back themselves to live the life they want with no doubts every darn day!
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