The Chameleon Effect & Connection
MINDSET
Written by Rachel Mehaffey
How being a Chameleon can both help & hinder your relationships
Today I want to talk about something pretty cool - The Chameleon Effect. Sounds fancy right? Think of the disney remake, Rapunzel and her best buddy Pascale. He could adapt himself to fit in with any surrounding just by becoming the same.
As something we do every single day without knowing it, it's pretty impactful on our day to day lives. It's the phenomenon where we as people unconsciously mimic the behaviors, mannerisms, and postures of those around us. This natural form of mimicry helps create social bonds and fosters a sense of connection and empathy between people and our surroundings.
First coined by psychologists Tanya Chartrand and John Bargh in their 1999 study on social connection it was observed that people in social interactions often mirrored the behaviors of their conversation partners without being aware of it. This unconscious mimicry is believed to be a fundamental aspect of human social interaction, promoting smoother and more positive engagements.
The Chameleon Effect shows up everyday. Think of a business meeting or parent teacher interview where you had the aim of creating a rapport with the teacher or client in order to get the most helpful information from them to get the sale or help your kid at school. You find yourself adopt the facial expressions of those your are interacting with, a simple smile when they do, a laugh to mimic the their own. And what about gestures and postures where you cross your legs the same way they do and head on your right elbow on the table. We do this because it is helping to build rapport and enhance communication.
Common Ways We Exhibit the Chameleon Effect
Facial Expressions: Mimicking smiles, frowns, or other facial expressions.
Postures: Adopting similar sitting or standing positions as those around us.
Gestures: Using similar hand movements or mannerisms during conversations.
Language and Tone: Adjusting our speaking style or vocabulary to match that of our interaction partners
When you think about it we all do it everyday. The last time I went out for drinks with a friend I really noted the behaviour because I was making a concerted effort of only have 2 drinks! Everytime she took a sip - so did I! I was like, what the heck she drinks fast. Because I was making a conscious effort to change a behaviour my subconscious one was brought to light. I was matching the action in a form of mimicry so we were connected, on the same page and at the same pace! Needless to say I added in a fair few waters to stick to my goal but it was a real eye opener.
So what if the mimicry is not just the day to day stuff that helps us feel more connected to our surroundings and those we are interacting with? what if it is specifically targeted at a person. Like a romantic relationships or someone we are wanting to form a deeper connection with? If we are adapting ourselves to be more like someone else in order to be connected, liked or desired - are we showing up authentically?
Being a Chameleon in Romantic Relationships
Ok so you are on a first date, If you are anything like me there have been way too many of them in the search for that special someone. Let's look at the first date for example. They lean in and smile at you, tilting their head to the side in an affectionate way - you find yourself naturally doing the same! It creates a warm and engaging connection. Great, harmless - but what about the conversation? This isn't just about copying someone's body language all of a sudden you find yourself agreeing that rock climbing is the best thing since sliced bread and sure you'd love to climb on saturday completely ignoring the front of mind reminding you of your deep seated fear of heights and genetic clumsiness of all things physical! All of a sudden you have 'lied' to keep the connection open and put yourself in a very uncomfortable predicament.
When we are talking about the deeper connections in life the overuse of mimicry might lead to a loss of individuality and authenticity, potentially causing tension or resentment in the long run. By becoming the ideal for someone else in order to fast track or guarantee a common bond you are suppressing your own needs, desires and creating an imbalance in the relationship out of the blocks.
Laughing at myself as I write this because of the self reflection. Here are some of the ways I have defaulted to the mimicry of chameleon taking on a myriad of hobbies because I was trying to be the perfect person for the partner I want to impress. It really does illustrate my 'Jack of all trades' default and the complete loss of authenticity for fear of showing up as my whole self. Let's see i have: bought a guitar and taught myself to play when there was a muso on my radar; set up a home gym & taken on pull up mastery (despite the swimmers shoulder rotator cuff injuries) when dating a gym junkie; started running when I loathed it only to do a half marathon in 6 months while a runner was of interest; taken up surfing complete with custom made board and all the gear as a surfer sat in my life. See - I am so down this rabbit hole!
The issue when we are defaulting to another person on a deeper level is a big one. We lose our authenticity. When you're constantly mirroring a partner, you might start losing touch with your own preferences and personality. If you're always agreeing with another persons choices or adopting their habits, you may find yourself suppressing your true self, not spending any time on the things you love or (using the rock climbing example) up a cliff with a fear of heights! This can lead to a feeling of emptiness or resentment over time, as you might feel you're living someone else's life instead of your own.
It creates imbalance and ultimately frustrations! Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and individuality. If one partner is always mirroring the other, it can (and will) create an imbalance. The person being mirrored might start to feel the pressure of being the "leader" or may not even start to feel, dating someone so like them is boring and not what they want! opposites attract they say. This can lead to a dynamic where one person's needs and desires are always prioritized over the other's, potentially causing frustration and misunderstandings.
Not to mention the emotional exhaustion of pretending to be someone you are not. Continuously adapting to someone else's behaviors and emotions is completely ignoring your own needs. It is bypassing and telling your emotional, mental and physical feedback loop and creating a sense of anxiety and discomfort. It requires a lot of mental and emotional energy to constantly be in sync with another person. Over time, this leads to burnout, making it difficult to maintain the energy needed for other aspects of the relationship and personal life.
And then comes miscommunication. You have spent so much time doing and pretending to like what the other person wants when you ask to do something you want they are confused. But you said rock climbing was your thing and now it's not? Man, you've changed! Yew - bet you have heard that in one or two of your connections, I certainly have. The things is you have not changed you are just showing up as yourself now. ready to connect and truly open vulnerably thanks to the fast tracked romantic connection of mimicry but when you do, you feel rejected. And guess what - it is no one's fault but yours cause you did say you like rock climbing and you are changing what you said..
The Moral of the Story
The Chameleon Effect is a fascinating aspect of human behavior that highlights our innate tendency to connect with others through mimicry. While it can enhance social interactions and relationships, it's essential to be aware of its potential downsides, particularly in romantic contexts.
Showing up as WHO you are is essential to anything in life. Changing your values, beliefs or even hobbies to fit in with someone else in order to be liked and the 'chosen one' in the sea of competition that is dating in 2024 is a recipe for disaster. You are wonderful and unique as you are and, you are who you are. It is great building a rapport over a bush walk you both share an interest in because you like photograph and he likes walking. That is doing something on a common ground, showing up authentically.
Go ahead and mimic the way he walks - means you get the view from behind but while you're at it, spare a thought for the poor chick frozen in fear on the lip of the mountain cause she said rock climbing was her thing.
Keep It Simple - Sugar
Rach
Hey, I'm Rach. I'm a Life Coach, Podcaster, Digital Course Creator, Writer, Educator, Single Mum & Science Nerd.
I started coaching for interest sake then left my 20 year Big Corporate Gig to make it my life's work. Now I'm helping people all over the globe with mindset & teaching how to access the life you want.
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